Book Review: The Connected Child

The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family
by Karyn B. Purvis

This was an excellent parenting book. The main focus is on parenting children from difficult backgrounds, but I think this is a great book for any parent. I loved all the specific action steps, it really makes the research accessible to put into everyday life. I will be using this book again as a reference. 

This is perfect to help set expectations for adoptive parents. It is realistic and also puts things in a realistic light. Well written and full of insights. 

Fingerprints

Slowly but surely we are making our way to China.

Yesterday we got out fingerprint appointments in the mail! Yippy! Our local USCIS office allows you to come in before your appointment (if you have the appointment letter) to get printed. So this morning I kissed my oldest son goodbye as he headed off to kindergarten and I headed downtown.

I arrived at the USCIS office and got a prime parking place. Me and the two younger boys headed to the 4th floor and life was good. But, getting through security was kind of a hassle; me, two boys, a stroller, a car seat/infant carrier, my purse, a diaper bag and of course my belt and iPhone that needed to be put in a separate container to x-ray.

When I handed my letter and Driver's license to the security guard he looked at me and said, "This appointment isn't until April 12. Is there a reason you can't make that time?" I wanted to flick him on the side of the head and say something snarky. . . but I didn't. I said, looking at all my gear and kids I had just hauled to the 4th floor . . . "I was just hoping to get it done earlier, if it isn't too busy." Then I looked through the glass wall to the fingerprint area. . . crickets were chirping. Not a soul in sight, only two workers sitting behind desks.

"Okay, let me check."

So a few minutes later I was checking in at the main desk and in less the 3 minutes I was being fingerprinted.  Nice.

So, where does this put our timeline you ask?

DH plans to get his fingerprints taken tomorrow and that will hopefully complete the USCIS portion.

Our agency said if we are getting fingerprints now we should get approval "mid-April".  If we get approval April 15, I will state certify all documents on April 16, then Fed-Ex them to the Chinese Consulate.  I think the consulate is taking about 2 weeks to authenticate. It is possible the first week in May we could have a completed dossier to go to China. Then we wait 1-4 weeks for an LID.

This almost puts us in "Wildly Optimistic" territory.

China Timeline

Now that our homestudy is done and sent to USCIS, I thought I would share a more detailed timeline for our adoption.

Once we get our I800 approval (around May 1) we can get all the dossier state certified (this can be done by an in-person visit to the state capitol, same day).

Then we send the dossier to the Chinese Consulate to be authenticated. This takes about 2 weeks (around May 21).

Then our dossier goes to the agency to be sent to China. We will get our LID in 1-4 weeks, (around June 21.)

So, we should have a Log in date around the end of June. Then we can be matched anytime after that. Because we are requesting a girl under three our wait times will be longer.  We waited about 2 months to be matched with J., so I think our wait times might be closer to 4 months, maybe longer. But it is impossible to tell, our daughter might be matched with us sooner.

This is from the agency:

Once you are matched you can expect your dossier to take about 5-12 weeks to go through the processes until you receive your LSC (letter seeking confirmation.). That is your actual referral from China for the little girl you will be matched with. After LSC and the paperwork piece to accept this referral -way less paperwork then dossier.. don't worry:), you can expect to travel about 2-4 months after that.

So. . .about 8 months from referral to travel.

I am getting really excited! I really hope to have a referral by the end of year and travel next summer :) Sooner would be better, but it is important to have realistic expectations.

Here is a spread sheet with the numbers:

Homestudy. . .done

We got an email yesterday that our homestudy has gone through the final review process with our agency. We have a green light! No more revisions need to be made.

Now we wait to get the final hard copy in the mail. I am thinking it will be mailed today or Monday. So we should certainly get it next week. I have the USCIS paperwork all filled out and ready to mail with our near $900 check.

We are told that USCIS is taking about 45 days. As soon as it comes back our dossier should be done. We only have a handful of things left to prepare and they are all pretty easy. We already have all the time consuming things done (basically the medical and all the blood work). Now we just have to fill out some forms and have them notarized.

If it is taking 45 days, our Dossier should be complete around the first of May. Then off to get authenticated and then finally, off to China. Once our dossier is in China and we get a Log In Date (LID) then we can be matched with our daughter. I really feel like we'll get a match by the end of the year.

This is really good news. It only took about a month to finish our homestudy (after all the time we put in last summer.) I am happy with our timeline so far. This is a great big thing to check off the list

Book Review: Toddler Adoption

A great way to prepare for adoption and handle the waiting is reading great books. I thought I would review a couple of books I have found helpful.
 
Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft 
by Mary Hopkins-Best

An excellent resource for adoption, especially children 12-48 months. This book really opened my eyes to all the problems those who adopt toddlers face. It is kind of a wake up call. The author lists a whole spectrum of challenges.  I would recommend this book for anyone wanting to know more about attachment and adoption in general. 

The good thing about this book is that you know you child will not have all the struggles listed, but it will give you some ideas about what to look for and what to expect.  This book personifies, "hope for the best but expect the worst."

This book was so valuable for setting my expectations.  We brought home J from China when he was just 15 months old. We saw some of the behavior described in the book and where pleasantly surprised that his transition was not harder.

As we are planning to adopt from China again, another toddler, this book will certainly be re-read.   

How it starts

In the middle of January we got an update from our Japan adoption agency. The letter basically said, the wait has gone from "very long" to unknown/indefinite. I think it was rather disappointing reading it. Even though I knew it was going to be a long wait. I still had hope it would happen, eventually.

Knowing that Japan isn't going to happen has given me time to really think about our children and if we really are "done." 

I just have a feeling that there is suppose to be one more. No matter how I try to prepare myself mentally to be "done" and be content with 3 children, this feeling keeps bubbling up. I will look at a photo of the three boys and the thought, suddenly, pops in my head, "Someone is missing." I try to shake it off but how often can you honestly do that?

DH has been very receptive to the idea completing another China SN adoption. He hasn't been pushy, but I also wouldn't label myself as "the reluctant spouse." We are just trying to talk through all the options.

There are so many reasons we shouldn't adopt from China. All the reasons boil down to this: it's hard.  But because something is hard doesn't mean that we shouldn't do it. I was going back and forth.

On the one hand, I am concerned about parenting a child with attachment issues and orphanage related diagnoses (R.A.D.. . ) But on the other hand having another child is what is right for our family. All put together, China SN seems to be the best route for us. 

There is also an entire component that I haven't talked about, that is; what is the Lord's plan for our family? DH and I have really spent some time praying, contemplating and searching out what is right for our family. This is not something to be taken lightly. We have both come to feel that China SN is the right path forward.

It is funny, because I thought I would feel weighed down by the decision (You know, "Not another dossier." *sigh*)

The choice however has filled me with excitement. Wow! We are going to have a daughter. I am thinking about names and find myself looking at girls' clothes and dolls. Sure, we have paperwork to do. . . but I am a veteran and I could do it all in my sleep. . .  in triplicate.  Bring. it. on. I love a check list.

So, what does our timeline look like? It seems 18 months is realistic.  This is how it breaks down:

Homestudy complete by the end of Feb. 2013 (It has been on ice since Aug. so we already have some stuff done)
I-800 submitted when homestudy is done: March 2013
I-800 approval:  June 2013 (it is taking about 90 days)
Dossier to China: June-July 2013
Log-in-date issued: August 2013 (It takes about 4-6 weeks)
Then we are ready for a match: referral will take 1-4 months, Sept.-Dec. 2013
After referral it is 8 months before we can travel: Travel will be late spring to late summer  2014

Again, these are just targeted times, it could be faster (HA HA HA) or slower (as always).

We are requesting a girl. I felt a little guilty about requesting a gender. We have never requested a gender, but it is pretty common knowledge that  if you don't request a girl you get boy. (Hence, we have 3 wonderful boys.) There are more parents who request girls, so it makes the wait times longer too.

For age, we are requesting under 3 years old (24 months at time of referral then 8 months before we can travel). It will also make the wait times longer too. But we really feel that is the right age for our family dynamic.

We are open to a variety of special needs, so we will just have to wait and see what medical treatments she will need. We have an amazing pediatric orthopedic surgeon, so it would be great to utilize his expertise. But, again, we will just wait and see once we get her medical records. We have an amazing Children's hospital close by, I know they can address any of her medical needs.

So, off we go . . . again.  One final hurrah! It feels good to know our family will be complete soon.

Here we go again. . .

Off to complete our family with our final adoption. After welcoming three amazing and charming sons, we will have a daughter join our family.